I noticed something a few years ago (before I was diagnosed with ADHD). When I got to work, I would be full of energy and determination to Get Things Done as I walked from my car to the building and on to my desk. As soon as I sat down at my computer and began checking emails, I lost all of my energy and drive, slumping into lethargy, apathetic to whatever projects I was working on. It was then that I first asked for a standing desk, figuring I could keep my energy going if I just kept standing. It took a while before I finally got to work consistently at a standing desk and it’s just what I suspected: it’s easier for me to keep my enthusiasm going when I don’t tumble into a chair as soon as I get to work.
This is great for my job, but what about the rest of the time?
My combo alarm (part phone alarm, part cat bugging me for his breakfast) went off yesterday morning and because I’d gotten a good night’s sleep (which isn’t typical for a Sunday night), I woke up easily and had pep in my step as I walked to the kitchen to get Oberon his food. Then I sat down at my laptop and felt all of my pep dissipate, like soda pop losing its fizz. I was so unenthused to do much of anything that after checking my email and social media sites, I moved to the sofa, Oberon curled up in my lap, and I suddenly realized I didn’t give a fuck about doing anything. Instant torpor and boredom. It took everything I had to get up and get myself out the door to go to work.
I have no interest in being driven to succeed. I have no interest in rushing through life, worried about productivity. (A family member once said to me, “They say there are Type A people and Type B people. You must be Extreme Type B.”) But I’m also tired of moving slow and losing what energy I have, what enthusiasm I have to do things I really, really want to do.
I know I need to exercise, or “actively meditate” if one prefers (and I kind of do). It seems clear that this “active meditation” should start right after I get out of bed. Feeding my cat is a pretty mild, easy form of active meditation (so decrees Oberon, King o’ the Cats!). I’m looking into yoga and tai chi as other forms of active meditation. I would look into walking outside if it weren’t so disgustingly hot and humid and sunny here. Getting a standing desk for home? Also something of a priority.
I can’t be active all the time. Everybody needs time to rest. But it’s becoming clearer and clearer that my brain works better when I’m not sitting still and I need to jump on that. Figuratively AND literally.