Monthly Archives: March 2017


Asking for what you really, really want and need, especially if it falls outside of what’s considered social norms, can feel frightening, embarrassing, intimidating. Even articulating it can feel clumsy and awkward.

I’m a touchy-feely, huggy, kissy person. I feel cut-off and emptier than I’d like if I don’t get regular hugs, hand-holding, cuddling, and kissing. It’s not about sex, it’s about feeling close and connected to the people in my life, expressing my affection for them, reaffirming that we’re not alone in this world. Also, I really like kissing. Kissing is fun. But I’m shy, I worry a lot about rejection, I like to respect people’s boundaries, and our society has some pretty strong stories that we buy into when it comes to physical connection and intimacy. Being direct and forward about “I’d like it if we cuddled” or “I’d really like to kiss you” is generally seen as an attempt to initiate some kind of sexual activity. If you’re a woman and you’re not trying to initiate sex, you’re a tease. If you’re a man and you’re not trying to initiate sex, you’re either lying–because all men are driven by sex, right?–or you’re a wuss for not being driven by sex. These are rotten, damaging stories that our society tells us. But they’re deeply ingrained.

So if you don’t want to swallow and hide your feelings, your wants, your needs, then how do you ask for physically intimacy with friends while making it clear that you’re not looking for sex? I guess you just do it and accept that you’re going to feel uncomfortable, scared, embarrassed, and vulnerable. You’re going to get some rejection, which isn’t fun. You might even scare some people away, which is distressing. But you might also get what you ask for, which is pretty cool.

Blood From Stone

something’s wrong inside my blood
i feel my heart turning to stone
they said it’s just a magic trick
a trick they played on all of us

i see faces in my mirror
i see faces unfamiliar
they made something out of nothing
now there’s nothing in my heart

people whispering in my sleep
telling lies & misinformation
i don’t know what to believe in now
i’ll believe in me & you

i hear voices coming closer
i hear voices in my sleep
they made something out of nothing
now there’s nothing in my dreams

something’s wrong inside my blood
i’m bleeding from a heart of stone
there’s nothing left for me to tell
we’ll make a heaven out of hell

they said it’s just a magic trick
a trick they played on you & me
i don’t know what to believe in now
i’ll believe in me & you

Some Random Thoughts About Anxiety

Sometimes I’m not sure if my anxiety is getting worse as I get older, or if I’m just more conscious of when my anxiety hits. What if I’ve forgotten or blocked out past times when my anxiety was bad?

A couple of years ago, I reduced the amount of caffeine I was consuming in an effort to help lower my anxiety and not be bothered by insomnia as much. It didn’t help at all.

Taking deep breaths can help bring me down when I’m having a panic attack. When I’m having high anxiety? Not necessarily. It’s like my dial is cranked up from “normal” but not high enough to be “panic”, so if I start to take deep breaths and I don’t begin to feel better, “I’m not feeling better” becomes a source of anxiety.

Sometimes I can identify what triggered an anxiety attack. Sometimes I can’t. This is what makes Generalized Anxiety Disorder generalized. And disordered.

It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes I can get hit by an anxiety attack, which can then blow up into a panic attack, in a place or situation that I usually consider safe, comfortable, fun. Anxiety’s an asshole like that.

Despite the wonky chemistry going on in my head, I really do love my brain. It’s where a lot of my best dreams and ideas come from.

Midnight Piranha

so when
so when
so when will this come undone?
unbroken with rainfall
seaside still striving
a popsicle nocturne
a presidential nightmare
carnival quick & so undone

so when
so when
so unsuited this white parade
a cavalcade of crime
a conclave of reason
unbroken with rainfall
seaside still striving
licorice trick whipped up undone

so when
so when
so when will we fall in love?
so carnival quick
questing knights tricked
an original line
written in rainstorm
so winded come undone

Fourth Cousin

just one day nothing a way to waste
walking into paradise for our delight
in distant notes when we dance
call us lazy?

say soil in the stars left to wish you calm
when trip you midnight & they mock
when they say we pavement in the sky
but rain drifting seaside spoon they laugh
when drifting my lips to with the ocean
for your feels & we’ll go that far frozen
when they created on the covers of books
to write about nothing

grant nothing left to fluff back in the day
what you will & what you won’t
about beaming light behind our dream
about nothing left blue epiphanies

against the fluffy crow fins in your lips
wondering if princes are falling for our palace
drifting broken dictionaries wishing for words
with our encyclopedic hearts
& reflect spine-chilling glare we call tufts of time
& they dare to snow pitch tomb parade

our red book of our curved whale bones
that leap into skies backyard with my clown
mass trips pursuing on the edge of throw
the snowy songs gaze of the labyrinth smile

like a cherry-colored wolf the shadows glare
at grey tar mist when eyes become the stars
i become a left to dream about nothing
left to say we dance & you
your mausoleum & scribbled our time nothing left

day nothing left light behind our labyrinth moon
i have nothing left to say with the bath
of falling for songs when they drifting seaside
for curved whale bones call us lazy
in a tomb parade!

& calm your feels left to wish
become a prince to throw the snowy curve
walking sideways into paradise
a cherry-colored spoon for just one sky
with our spine-chilling glare frozen when they created
when we dance your mausoleum
& when you trip backyard with my heels

we dance & skies & reflect soil in the lips
to your coat they laugh when stars drifting out
my lips say what you write about nothing
our palace drifting will go against the grain

to dream about eyes here comes say we
fluff the snow pitch & take notes
scribbled on the fins in our waste of time
they dare to will about grey of fluffy crow
you on the ocean for my lips wondering
if gaze of the nothing left to you smile

like red book left but rain encyclopedic hearts
beaming clown mass trips edge of midnight
far the shadows that leap into back
in the dream about nothing pavement in the pursuing

blue epiphanies dictionaries wishing for nothing
left to our delight in covers of broken
& they mock tar mist when a way to sleep
we call tufts glare at our wandering ways