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Year’s End Self-Diagnostic

It’s been a while since I wrote about how I’m doing. Considering how little I’ve posted over the year, the short answer is: not great. But thankfully, the long answer is much better than that.

I wrote last August that I had gone through months of depression. It didn’t end there. I think the majority of this year was spent in bad depressive period, longer than I’ve experienced in years. Like I said in my last self-diagnostic post, I don’t think it was chemical as much as situational. This year has been a difficult one for most people I know, for all kinds of external, situational reasons. My brain chemistry has played a part in this year’s depression, like it usually does, but it wasn’t the defining factor. Nope. It’s that the world has felt increasingly desperate, angry, hopeless. Because at the beginning of this year, the Legion of Doom got put into power in the US, with Solomon Grundy as its leader. And it’s turned out pretty much what I thought it would be, except worse in many ways. Plus, there were some personal life issues that threw me off-kilter. Well, more off-kilter than I usually am. So. Depression. Months and months of it. And I did what I could to deal with it and get out of it.

And hey, it worked! I mean, the political landscape hasn’t changed and I’m still dealing with some life adulty stuff that is stressing me out, but the depression itself is being dealt with. I got myself back in therapy and worked with my therapist hard, really digging into some of my root issues and using tools and techniques she and I had discussed before, but I’ve been using them more consistently and intently. I also developed some new, very strong friendships and strengthened older friendships, and these relationships have helped carry me forward. As this year comes to a close, I feel better than I have in a long, long time. As I write this, I’m in the throes of an anxiety attack, but it’s a manageable anxiety attack, not a crippling beast riding on my back, clawing at my chest. More like a yappy dog. If dogs could talk and say mean things about my self-worth. In a funny voice that I could laugh off. A negative, jerkass Scrappy-Doo.

And I am feeling better. I’m still having difficulty getting back into writing. Blank pages look more daunting to me. It’s not fun, but it’s not discouraging. It’s just another challenge for me to deal with, one that I know I can handle. The national and global situation will almost certainly get worse, or at least stay this bad, until it gets better. But personally, I’m going into 2018 with more purpose and confidence and hope than I’ve had in years. Here we go!

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